Why Being Widowed and Then Divorced Made Me a Better Couples Therapist
When people learn that I’m both widowed and divorced, there’s often a brief pause. It can be hard to understand how someone who helps couples stay together has also lived through two relationships ending in very different, very profound ways.
I understand that reaction. I’ve wrestled with that question myself.
The Life I Didn’t Plan
My first husband died when my daughter was 10 years old. It was devastating, disorienting, and deeply unfair. One day we were a family of three; the next, we weren’t. Overnight, I became both a grieving spouse and the only parent to a child whose world had also been shaken.
During that time, two commitments grounded me. I was going to be a steady, healthy parent to my daughter no matter what. And I was going to live my way through the grief with resilience and faith, even when that felt incredibly hard.
Grief has a way of clarifying things. It strips life down to what really matters. It taught me that love and pain exist side by side, and connection does not simply disappear after loss.
Choosing Love Again and Facing a Different Kind of Loss
Several years later, I chose to remarry. That decision came from hope. I believed love was still possible, that partnership could be rebuilt, and that my daughter and I could create something whole again.
Despite that hope and a lot of effort, the marriage ended in divorce. That loss was painful in a completely different way. When someone dies, people tend to show up. There are meals, cards, support. Divorce is often much quieter and, at times, much lonelier.
It felt like failure. We loved each other deeply. We went to therapy, but it did not give us the tools we needed. Looking back, I often think about how different things might have been if we had been given practical frameworks, real strategies and skills we could actually use day to day.
I was already a therapist at that point. I had read the books, consulted experts, and done the research. But knowing something intellectually is not the same as living it. Real insight is emotional. It is often felt in the body before it is fully understood in the mind.
With time, the support of a skilled therapist, and my faith, healing came. And that experience pushed me to go deeper in my work. It shaped how I understand relationships and strengthened my commitment to helping couples find a clearer path forward and experience real repair, not just insight.
What This Means for My Work
These experiences changed me, both personally, and as a therapist. I have loved deeply in relationships that ended, one through death and one through divorce. Because of that, I do not see relationships in simple terms like success or failure.
I understand how two people can care deeply about each other and still feel stuck, hurt, or unsure of what comes next. I also know that, with the right structure and support, couples can reconnect, work through resentment, and rebuild a sense of friendship that often feels out of reach.
That allows me to meet you where you are, without judgment, without oversimplifying what you are going through, while still holding a clear belief that change is possible.
I Don’t Rush the Outcome
When couples come in, there is often a sense of urgency.
Fix this quickly.
Tell us if we are going to make it.
I do not rush to answer those questions. Instead, I help you slow down enough to understand what is actually happening between you. We look at patterns, communication, and emotional responses before making decisions about the future.
At the same time, our work is not passive. We focus on practical ways to reduce disconnection, repair after conflict, and create meaningful, respectful interactions.
Some couples rebuild. Others decide to separate. What matters is that those decisions are made thoughtfully, not in the middle of pain or reactivity.
I Take Impact Seriously, Especially When Children Are Involved
Parenting through both grief and divorce has made me especially aware of how deeply relationships affect children. Kids are always paying attention. They do not just observe relationships, they absorb them.
That does not mean staying together for the sake of the children. It does mean being intentional and asking important questions:
* What kind of emotional environment are we creating?
* What are our children learning about love and conflict?
* What does stability really look like for this family?
I Have a High Tolerance for Difficult Truths
Addiction, grief, disconnection, resentment. These are not abstract ideas to me.
When they show up in the therapy room, we do not avoid them or tiptoe around them. We look at them honestly and with compassion. And from that place, we can begin to untangle dysfunctional patterns, take responsibility where needed, and move toward meaningful change.
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My role is not to push you to stay together or to separate.
I will help you understand your patterns, communicate more clearly, work through resentment, and rebuild the kind of connection and friendship that makes a relationship feel steady again.
Strong relationships are not perfect. They are intentional, and they can be repaired.
If your relationship feels strained, disconnected, or uncertain, I can help you reconnect, repair, and move forward with greater clarity.
