Re-establishing the Lost Connection: Eye-Gazing
Eye-Gazing is a nonverbal technique for couples that addresses somatic distress, and results in nearly immediate increased mutual attractiveness, likability, and emotional connection. It brings a flood of oxytocin and dopamine into the nervous system, and increases blood flow to the amygdala, underlining the powerful emotional significance of the practice in couples therapy.
Recently, I worked with a young professional couple in their 30s, who had become more like roommates than romantic partners. The huge expenditure of energy and focus required to establish their respective careers over the past few years had taken a major toll on their marriage. They weren’t connecting emotionally or sexually, and were looking toward divorce. Efforts to communicate verbally had failed miserably and they couldn’t seem to find a way back to one another. In their 2nd session, I asked them to sit facing one another on the sofa, and softly gaze into each others’ eyes for 4 minutes. After some initial giggling and awkwardness, there was a notable shift, a palpable change in the energy between them. She softened. Her body began to relax. He welled up with tears, disarmed, looking more open and vulnerable. They reported afterwards that in those moments, the previous failed attempts to communicate, the distraction of the smartphones, the complicated decisions about whether to buy or to continue renting, how to save for retirement, and whether or not to have children all fell away, and THEY REMEMBERED. They said they remembered the shared meaning of what they had built together, the sexual attraction and deep friendship they still felt, but had felt hidden and hard to access. Both reported feeling deeply relieved, and more confident about moving forward together. Their anxiety had been significantly reduced by doing the exercise.
It is important, as therapists, that we offer substantive relief for the sometimes severe somatic distress often present in the troubled romantic partnerships we encounter. Negative health outcomes associated with prolonged marital discord are well-documented. The “talking cure” alone is not sufficient. We must attend to the bodies couples bring with them into the office, as much as we attend to their maladaptive patterns. Often, they come to us for help many months or years into distress and suffering. They have waited until the “end of the road, making one last-ditch effort before calling the lawyers.” For my couple above, the Eye-Gazing technique interrupted a decline toward final demise in its tracks. Undoubtedly, there was still a lot of work ahead of us, but interrupting the discomfort and anxiety they felt in their bodies provided hope at a crucial time of deep crisis.
In my experience, HOPE is deeply important, a vital component that may save a partnership when it’s headed for collapse.
